The Secret Heart of the Father

You may be wondering why there is a picture of a big heart in an open square, when the title is the Secret Heart of the Father. Often it can seem like knowing God's heart is a secret, especially when life is hard, when it seems like our prayers are unanswered and God is silent. These can be some of the hardest times we ever experience in our relationship with our heavenly Father. It is easy to feel betrayed by the Father we love when we feel ignored. We can feel indignant. We feel so hurt as our cheeks burn with hot tears and we say, "How could you?" Sometimes abandonment seems like a reality. It's at these times when my faith has been tested most. I have been so angry at God I've wanted to walk away from the Christian faith forever. Something inside of me knew God was my only hope and walking away would be worse than staying.

It is no secret that sometimes our Father in heaven favors silence, even at times when we don't. Why is God silent so often? He was silent for 400 years after Malachi, the final prophet in the Old Testament. Then came the biggest herald of good news ever, John the Baptist. He proclaimed the coming of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. Is it possible we have a grand, dramatic God who loves to pave the way for grand, victorious, dramatic moments? When all seems lost God could be planning the most victorious comeback that you can possibly imagine. God loves an epic story. Epic stories call for dramatic, intense emotional moments of anger, sadness, silence, and then give way to moments of joy, gladness, ecstasy and love. God's in every moment, the good and the bad. He loves intensity, and someday these epic stories will be told to others. The things that happen to us are not just for us, but for others to hear about and believe in God. When God does a miracle in someone's life, it is so it will be talked about and marveled at by many. We aren't the star of the show, God is.

Tim Keller asks, “What thing, if you lost it, would almost mean that you would lose the will to live?  What thing lost, gone from your life, would mean that almost all value and significance- identity and worth- would be drained out of your life?”

For me, I lost the will to live when I lost my happiness, personality, ability to think clearly, and my relationship with God. I couldn't hear from Him or feel Him...at all. I lost the ability to feel close to God and almost everyone else because of severe anxiety and depression. The worst thing of all was the loss of relationship with God. Without God I felt like my life was over. Now I know a life without God is not worth living. I joke that now I know what hell feels like. Sadly it's not a joke. It was my reality. Now I have been treated for the depression and anxiety and am back to feeling my Abba Father's presence once again. Life has never been better. I still have bad days, but at least I have my Abba back. I feel like the world can be caving in and I'm unable to go on with my day, but I have someone to run to that I know can help me solve my problems. I have a Father who listens to me. He listens very closely and is constantly working to help me. I know He is for me. I find my comfort in Him. There have been many days when I am too upset to do anything but snuggle up in bed with my Bible and my "Abba". I fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed. I feel that He is the safest place in the world for me to run when my emotions are too intense and complex to deal with. 

Abba is such a wonderful Father. It is hard to describe how much I love Him. I feel constantly unworthy to have such a wonderful Father, and yet I am so grateful at the same time. I feel okay with making so many mistakes because I know I'm His child and I'm still learning. I have so much admiration and respect for Him. He's my inspiration. He is what I aspire to. He is so strong, yet so unbelievably tender and kind. It is hard to fathom how wonderful our Abba truly is. It's miraculous how much we can love someone we have never even seen face to face. We have experienced His presence but not yet in all of its fullness. What a glorious day that will be to see Him face to face. 

According to Tim Keller: We have a lot "unjustified rage" towards God at times. It is unjustified simply because we don't understand the circumstances and are blaming God or holding Him accountable for what we are experiencing. The way God responds to our anger is with ordered anger. Ordered (loving) anger seeks to do surgical strikes against the anger (like a parent seeking to destroy the foolishness in a child). Loving anger goes after the problem, not the person.

There are times every child questions their parent and gets very angry when they don't understand their parent's action, or lack thereof. The parent can repeat the phrase "Just trust me." many times, but it is still difficult to trust when you cannot understand. God does not take our anger and hold it against us. Abba does not get angry in return. Abba does not ignore us. Abba takes our anger and sin upon Himself. Jesus was the surgical strike against all of our anger and sin.

The secret heart of the Father is that it's no secret. It's plain as day, but you have to be looking for it. Once you realize it, you will see it everywhere. You can't help but see it.